Ahhhh Double Expresso

I am that girl who cannot hold her caffinee. I was sleepy so I decided to get a double expresso at the library bookstore. Awful idea. Any second now I'm going to have a major caffinee crash and in the meantime I feel like running a mile and then laying down to die.

I went out and saw Kiss Me Kate last night at Helen Staires. Mostly because my good-old-buddy Michael had a leading part. He's grown his hair out so now he kinda looks like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Seeing him up there with the whole cast made me miss my theatre background and today I heard a couple of people researsing a script in the coffee shop. Made me want to cry. I don't miss the backstage drama, that's for sure, and I don't miss 99% of the people. I miss the acting. There it is: I miss acting. I haven't acted since Annie Get Your Gun closed in May last year. Now all this caffinee is making me challenge my basic decisions in life.

Why am I a film major? I love movies. I think that they have the potencial to be the truest portrayal of human emotion. So should I be a movie actress? Nah I'd have to lose like twenty pounds. Now there's an idea. I could lose twenty pounds. I'll drink double expressos all the time and be too sick to eat.

I've been thinking about taking a semester off and jumping back into the Orlando theater scene. Seriously. That's what Michael did. Of course he technically has taken two YEARS off college to do theater. Okay, technically, he hasn't yet been to college and takes the bus everywhere. But he's a starving artist, deeply dedicated to his craft. Do I have that kind of long-lasting passion? I don't think so. Like caffinee highs, my dedication to things comes and goes. I've changed my favorite movie and favorite actor about twenty times this year. I've taken up scrapbooking, cooking, dancing, sewing, reading and MarioGolf with the same passion that dies and leaves me more tired of life then ever.

Except I am a darn good cook and scrapbooker. The other four...not so much.

So maybe I am growing and learning. Maybe a major in film isn't such a bad thing for a girl who really deep-down wants to act in theater. I'll go to New York, I'll shoot for the stars, I'll work in a hotel, I'll deliver pizzas, I'll marry George Clooney and have his twenty kids.

As long as I'm not working the Drive-Thru at Boston Market. Sheesh.

Well I think that's everything I wanted to say. I'll go lay down and die now.

Fanette

"We were two friends in love, Fanette and I."

I was singing that oh-too-familiar Jacques Brel song today in the car. I wasn't even singing along with the CD, the song just popped into my head and I started singing over Jordin Sparks' "Tattoo" and then just turned the radio off. Tears ran down my face as I belted out the various beautiful phrases (I'm sure I was a sight for cars driving past me). Finally I turned into my driveway and sobbed.

To be completely honest, though my human spirit is touched deeply by that song, I think the real reason I love it is because I feel like any given Sunday I could be singing those words. I've certainly felt unattractive, unloved and duped. My heart falls in love too easily, it's always been a problem for me. So when I come to the second verse ("I saw them arm-in-arm, enfolded by the sea, they looked so much in love...they never looked at me") I can't stop the tears.

It's a beautiful song.